By Neil Allen

“Wait…what? That’s absurd!”

​I would have said the same thing when my daughter was younger. When she was very young, it didn’t matter as much but as she got older it became a problem. She was getting many presents every holiday and on her birthday that she never opened. She just turned 22 years old and we recently rediscovered some never opened presents from her childhood.

I started thinking about this when a friend shared a blog post from the KidsSafetyNetwork that talked about how the author was no longer going to give family members a list of toys to family members. The authors knew that the toys given to their children were either going to be rarely used, become the latest canvas for their art, get scattered everywhere, or join a pile of body parts from dismantled dolls and action figures.

It sent me down memory lane as I thought about the presents from my childhood that I have carried around for 35+ years as I moved from place to place — a Heidi doll that my grandparents bought me when visiting Europe (it was a favorite book when I was a kid), a panda PJ bag, a vest my aunt crocheted for me, a piggy bank my uncle made in his pottery workshop, and a doll sleeping bag that I made when my mom taught me how to knit when I was like 9 years old.

You’re unlikely to avoid your child begging for the latest toy craze or the really cool toy their best friend has, but you can minimize how many other toys make it into your house and encourage family members and friends to think outside the gift box.

Here’s a list of some alternatives:

• Books. Children cannot have enough books in their lives. Offer recommendations on the types of books or authors your child likes to read. It may not be as shiny as a new dump truck but it is likely to be read over and over again.
• Tickets. Get tickets to go skiing, the movies, a play, the zoo, a children’s museum, or any other place the child likes to go to then go with them. The memories of you doing something with them will last a lifetime.
• Supplies. Does the child like to knit? Build rockets? Garden? Have a small pet? You can buy the supplies they need to do their hobbies and might not be able to afford otherwise. Who knows? You may end up with a new pair of socks or have their new fish named after you.
• Skills. Do you know how to knit or crochet? Can you play the guitar? Do you enjoy painting and drawing or going out into nature to take photos? Are you a tracker or bird watcher? Your gift could be to teach the child a skill you have, which can be combined with the supplies if the skill is connected to materials they wouldn’t have around the house like yarn or paints and brushes.
• Group present. If there is something the child wants that the parents cannot afford, like a musical instrument, dance classes, sports equipment, summer camp, a video camera, etc., the family can pool their resources and help pay for it. It will mean so much to the child to have the support from the family for the things they enjoy doing. And, if it is connected to something that you can be part of down the road, like going to their games or concert or viewing the movie they created, it will make the memory even more powerful.

If you’re one of the people seeking to buy your grandchild or niece or nephew a holiday present, trust the parents to know what their child really wants or needs. It is really is one of the best way to make sure that the present is remembered next week much less years from now. And, you could be passing along family traditions or skills that could be used for the rest of their lives.

What are some of the alternative presents you’ve gotten for children? We welcome you to share your suggestions in the comments section!

By Neil Allen

As Thanksgiving approaches and we start preparing for the yearly tradition of dinner with the family, it is a good time to think about what daily traditions we have and how to use them to strengthen our families.

One of the easiest ways to do this is with family dinner time. For many of us, dinner time is the only time during the busy day that the family comes together and are all in one place. When my daughter was younger, one of the things a former boyfriend insisted upon was sitting down at the table for dinner and talking about the day. It was really nice. There were no rules around it but it was also a bit before technology took over our lives.

Jamie Reimer from “Hands On As We Grow” website recommends three rules to help make dinner time more focused: no technology at the table (cell phones, tablets, gaming devices, etc.), no negative comments, and the conversations need to be meaningful.

The only rules I would add is that everyone has to be part of the conversation so no one is able to have a monopoly on the dinner time and that no one can give one or two word answers.

What can you talk about? If you do a search on the Internet, you’ll be able to find dozens of questions to promote conversation. The kinds of questions that will be good for your family will depend on the age of your children and the kind of conversations you want to have — “asking about things that happened during the day” or fun questions. You can put a bunch of the questions on individual pieces of paper then pick a new one out every night.

Some questions you can ask about the day:

• What was something that made you happy, and why did it make you happy?
• What was something nice that you did for someone, and what was something nice someone did for you?
• What made you laugh today?
• Were you sad or frustrated today, and what made you sad or frustrated?
• What were you challenged with today?

Some fun questions you can ask:

• What name would you choose for yourself and why?
• What animal would you be and why?
• If you could have a super power, what would it be?
• What two animals would you combine, and what would it be called?
• What is your favorite piece of furniture, and why?

​Hopefully these will lead to many interesting conversations for you and your family. Please share some of your favorite questions and answers in our comments.