By Neil Allen

During these last few days before Christmas, many families who are struggling financially are trying to figure out how they’re going to put presents under the tree. Many dread the coming of holidays that require gifts, both in the gifts they give and the ones they receive.

I cannot remember the last time I wasn’t struggling through the holidays. This year is a repeat, though the reasons are different—my daughter and I are purposely living at close to poverty levels as part of our AmeriCorps VISTA service.

I like to use gift giving year round as a time to give both useful gifts mixed with a few frivolous things. Last Christmas, I gave my boyfriend a new nursing scrub top and a winter jacket as well as candy and some other small gifts I thought he would have fun with. This year, my daughter got me a practical gift—a water purifier. I’m allergic to the town’s water and buying bottled water is getting expensive, especially given how much tea I drink these days, so it is the perfect gift.

When you’re struggling to make ends meet, getting practical gifts mean so much more than a frivolous one. Especially when the gift makes normal everyday living easier. They may also be things that they’re less likely to ask for as they don’t seem to be appropriate for holiday gifts.

Here are some suggestions:

• Clothing is great idea when there are children in the family. Children are always outgrowing clothes and it is nice to be able to have something new to wear, especially when they’re used to wearing hand-me-downs. A gift certificate to a store may be a good choice if you don’t know what they like. If you’re giving clothes to an adult, think about what would enhance their life. Is a mom going to be going back to work and needs interview clothes or more business-type clothes for a new job? Does dad work outside in the winter and need heavy flannel shirts?
• If you’re going to give toys, give ones that don’t come with an on-going expense, like batteries or a subscription service. Things like dolls, play cookware sets, board or card games, and building toys like Legos or K’nex, puzzles are great “low maintenance” toys.
• Small appliances that help make cooking from scratch easier make good gifts—not only are they often time savers, they can also allow the family to eat healthier for less money. Things like a rice cooker, which can also be used to steam vegetables, or a crockpot are good choices. I got an ice cream maker for Valentine’s Day from a former boyfriend several years ago and we love using it to make a special treat.
• Other good options include gas or the grocery store gift cards or gift certificates for heating fuel or the garage where they go to get work done on their car or regular maintenance, like an oil change. If you live in an area where there’s public transportation, you could give them a bus or train pass. Coupons for babysitting, handyman services, or other skill are excellent options.

​What gift giving ideas do you have to help families who are struggling financially?

By John Monroe-Cassel

During the holiday season, there will be the inevitable interplay of cheer and “oh dear” as families who have experienced difficult times, even deaths in the family, strive to cope and adjust to the challenges. When hard times hit at holiday time, families often are at a loss for how to get through the season.

The following are some tried and true ways people have succeeded in making a time of deep sadness or grief during a cultural time of joy and glad tidings survivable and maybe even special:

• Find the information about grief that helps your family experience and even talk about the sadness of losing a family member. Helpful materials can be found online, just type in “holiday grief” and many resources will appear or in your public library. Librarians are excellent resources for finding relevant reading material to meet your particular need.Local funeral homes have materials on site and on their websites that many have found helpful. Call your local Visiting Nurses Association (VNA) and hospices in the area and ask to speak with their bereavement coordinators and/or spiritual care professionals or check out their websites, as well. Churches may have materials about loss and difficulty suitable to your religious tradition, and if you have a pastor or rabbi or imam who is close to your family, he or she may be an excellent source of support.

• Give members of your family a break from the usual banter families experience during tense times: everyone grieves loss differently, even within the same family unit. Instead, find time and activity that brings people together and encourages lighter moments of enjoyment.

• Talk with each other about which holiday practices, activities, and traditions are essential to keep and which are ok to put aside maybe for just this one season. Families are not well-trained to discuss these things, so give each other plenty of time to explain why they think we should or should not do this year. For instance, maybe this year if you hang stockings a stocking can be hung for the person who is not with you due to illness or death, and family members can write on a piece of paper what they miss or how much they love that person and put the paper in the stocking. Absence of person does not mean absence of love.

• MOST IMPORTANTLY: Talk with each other about the gratitude you have for the one who is gone but who gave you all the best of who you are. By focusing on gratitude, thankfulness, wonder and delight at what he/she meant to you while he/she was alive, the season becomes less about the sadness of loss and more about the meaning of ongoing love.

Every family has the ability to adjust to even the most painful circumstances, and there is no substitute for working together toward the most effective and meaningful togetherness possible when this is needed most. This meaning-making puts the “holy” in holi-day!

​John Monroe-Cassel, MDiv., MAT, is Spiritual and Bereavement Care Counselor for Lake Sunapee Region VNA and Hospice and has worked with individuals and families for many years in several different states as counselor, pastor, chaplain, and bereavement coordinator.

By Neil Allen

“Wait…what? That’s absurd!”

​I would have said the same thing when my daughter was younger. When she was very young, it didn’t matter as much but as she got older it became a problem. She was getting many presents every holiday and on her birthday that she never opened. She just turned 22 years old and we recently rediscovered some never opened presents from her childhood.

I started thinking about this when a friend shared a blog post from the KidsSafetyNetwork that talked about how the author was no longer going to give family members a list of toys to family members. The authors knew that the toys given to their children were either going to be rarely used, become the latest canvas for their art, get scattered everywhere, or join a pile of body parts from dismantled dolls and action figures.

It sent me down memory lane as I thought about the presents from my childhood that I have carried around for 35+ years as I moved from place to place — a Heidi doll that my grandparents bought me when visiting Europe (it was a favorite book when I was a kid), a panda PJ bag, a vest my aunt crocheted for me, a piggy bank my uncle made in his pottery workshop, and a doll sleeping bag that I made when my mom taught me how to knit when I was like 9 years old.

You’re unlikely to avoid your child begging for the latest toy craze or the really cool toy their best friend has, but you can minimize how many other toys make it into your house and encourage family members and friends to think outside the gift box.

Here’s a list of some alternatives:

• Books. Children cannot have enough books in their lives. Offer recommendations on the types of books or authors your child likes to read. It may not be as shiny as a new dump truck but it is likely to be read over and over again.
• Tickets. Get tickets to go skiing, the movies, a play, the zoo, a children’s museum, or any other place the child likes to go to then go with them. The memories of you doing something with them will last a lifetime.
• Supplies. Does the child like to knit? Build rockets? Garden? Have a small pet? You can buy the supplies they need to do their hobbies and might not be able to afford otherwise. Who knows? You may end up with a new pair of socks or have their new fish named after you.
• Skills. Do you know how to knit or crochet? Can you play the guitar? Do you enjoy painting and drawing or going out into nature to take photos? Are you a tracker or bird watcher? Your gift could be to teach the child a skill you have, which can be combined with the supplies if the skill is connected to materials they wouldn’t have around the house like yarn or paints and brushes.
• Group present. If there is something the child wants that the parents cannot afford, like a musical instrument, dance classes, sports equipment, summer camp, a video camera, etc., the family can pool their resources and help pay for it. It will mean so much to the child to have the support from the family for the things they enjoy doing. And, if it is connected to something that you can be part of down the road, like going to their games or concert or viewing the movie they created, it will make the memory even more powerful.

If you’re one of the people seeking to buy your grandchild or niece or nephew a holiday present, trust the parents to know what their child really wants or needs. It is really is one of the best way to make sure that the present is remembered next week much less years from now. And, you could be passing along family traditions or skills that could be used for the rest of their lives.

What are some of the alternative presents you’ve gotten for children? We welcome you to share your suggestions in the comments section!